UnrealLauren

You see, if you know me, you know that in the summer I don't sleep. At night, anyway. I usually find myself going to bed around 8 in the morning, and at the beginning of this summer got to around noon. But really I wasn't getting any rest and I would get up around 6 in the evening and be guilt tripped by my mother. Finally, my bff Lien got me back on track by wanting to hang out around 2 in the afternoon only giving me about an hour and a half to sleep. She wore me out that day (sounds dirty, but no, it's not) and when I got home at 8:30 I only had enough energy to eat a banana and collapse in bed. 

Suddenly, I found myself getting up around 7 in the morning. It was amazing. Never in my life have I voluntarily gotten up at 7 in the morning. I felt like a normal person, and it kind of freaked me out but also kind of felt good. But dammit, I knew it wouldn't last forever becuase I'm not naturally a morning person. The night time is the right time for me. Sooo, now I'm sitting in my kitchen at my laptop at 3:30 in the morning, and I'm not tired. I want to be tired. I blame myself. I'm so lazy. 

My alarm goes off at about 10:30 in the morning and I fool myself into thinking I'm actually going to get up. So I turn off my alarm and lay in bed, trying to slowly wake up. Next thing I know, I'm looking to my clock and it's 2:30 in the afternoon. Not fair! And for all the Paire fans, I'm going to blame you. I've spent WAY too much time reading fan fictions and such. I'm having at least 2 paire dreams a night for the last week. It's rediculous and a little disturbing. The last one I had was outright wrong. Not only cesty, but waay underage. 

I think I'm a masochist. I know that reading Paire is making me dream about them every night, yet I find myself visiting the Pairelove comm everyday along with going to ff.net to read more paire fics. *sigh* I don't know what to do with myself. I need a life. I really do. I'd have more of one if Lien's father wasn't uber anal insane. One day a week to hang out? Rediculous. And I don't get close enough to any other people to want to hang out with them. I have the opportunity, but I never take it. I actually only like very few people. The rest I just tolerate and find myself being drawn to my laptop more than being drawn to them. 

I used to spend my time writing fan fics, and I was writing one. I was very proud because I was cranking out chapters every few days. But recently I've come to a standstill. I have the end pretty much written, but to this one flashback I just feel that there should be more to it. But I don't know what. I also used to make fan music videos. But as my last post indicated, I can't publish any movies so I'm just not interested in making them anymore. 

Everything I used to do all of the time, I don't want to do anymore. I need to find something else to do. I'm having a mid-teen crisis. I don't like anything about myself anymore. How I look, what I do. It's not me. I need to find who me is. I'm unhappy pretty much 24/7. I don't think I know what happy feels like anymore. It's been too long.  School starts again in less than a month, and I'm not ready for it. I have summer reading I should be doing, but always find an excuse to put it off. I've been home all summer which has never happened. I always visit my father during the summer and it's good to get away for awhile. But not this summer. Apparantly he's too busy for his only daughter. I know who's NOT winning father of the year. I'm going to Texas at the end of July (I think) and that should be fun. Buuut I will also be away from my wonderful laptop that I love so much for ten days because my mother thinks it's rude to bring a laptop when you visit someone. So, the vaca won't be as wonderful as it could be. I hate the stupid state I live in, and pretty much everyone in it. I haven't cried in ages because I got so sick of doing it, I refused to and now can't even cry when I feel like it. 

I want to be someone else, which is why I think I shy away from everyone during the summer and never leave my room. I can be whoever I want when no one else is around. I can pretend I actually enjoy the life I'm living and who's in it. Depression's a bitch. Having thoughts of suicide at the age of 5 cannot be normal. And my life isn't even all that terrible. I know it. I know it could be unimaginably worse, I'm not saying I have the worst existance ever. I'm just saying I'm not happy with mine. Getting up to face the day shouldn't be as hard as it is. Also why I think I take to night. Most of the world is sleeping, and I don't have to face anyone. I'm just all alone, and it's really quiet, and dark, and no one can see me. 

*sigh* It's now 4 in the morning, and I really do need to be getting to bed. So this will be all for tonight. I need to think everything over for awhile.